Hello, dear readers of the Gaint! Before I get started on answering this edition’s agony, I thought I would introduce myself a little bit. I have an adorable nephew, and to him I am his Auncle — a mixture of “aunt” and “uncle”. It’s a name I wear with pride as my family’s resident queer. Otherwise, I am an ex-Albany resident (RIP), reader of tarot and lover of podcasts — including Dear Sugars, which was part of the inspiration for this column.
If you’re feeling brave and kind enough to send in your agonies to me, please fill out this google form:
Dear Agony Auncle,
Help, I (a woman) am in love with my tutor (a woman) who is straight and married! What do I do?
[This submission was edited slightly for clarity.]
Dear Trash Gordon,
Wow, what a relatable situation. Why are tutors so crushable?
I’m not sure what stage you’re at with this feeling, but in case your heart is feeling overly hopeful, I’m just going to come out and say it: your focus right now has to be on getting over it. You deserve to love someone who can properly reciprocate your feelings.
The first step I’d suggest would be to talk about it, and go you, because you’ve started that process! However, to add a little caveat to that, I’ve found that one of the hardest parts of getting over a crush is knowing when talking about it is good, and when it’s just further fueling you in loving them. Since this is your tutor and you have to see her regularly, it might be good to have a regular little rant about your feelings to a friend after your tutorials. And then, you’ve got to try and put it to one side and get on with the glorious business of living.
I’m sure you’re an incredible person. Take that knowledge of your self worth, get out there, and do what makes you happy! Hang out with people you love, do the things that make you light up inside, and then remember to take some time for yourself. If you enjoy journalling, try working through your feelings there. I suggest this, because amongst all the work in distracting yourself, it’s also important to process your emotions.
On a queerer note, I’ve found that I’ve often had crushes on straight people as a way of subconsciously guarding myself from the potential hurt of a crush that may or may not want me back. This is something that you might want to watch out for as you work through your emotions surrounding this situation. If you feel like this is true for you as well, remember that you’re worth more than that — there’s a whole world of people out there to love you back. I’ve found that the best solution to this subconscious guarding is to acknowledge that I’m doing it. Then, when I’ve let enough of my love for them go, I get out there and meet new people who I could have a connection with. Whilst this may seem like it’s a while away for you, remember that this feeling (and having this person as your tutor) is temporary, and you’re not alone. All of us lonely gays have been right there with you at some point.
I hope that you can emerge from this experience a bit more knowledgeable about yourself, and ready to fall in love with someone who loves you back.
Finally, I did a little fun 3 card tarot reading for you, and this is what emerged:
Situation: Emperor - you’re feeling the effects of a traditional (read: hetero) force at the minute and it’s both comforting and oppressing you
Advice: Five of cups - stop looking at the fallen over cups of this bad situation and build a bridge to the better stuff on the other side of the river
Outcome: Magician - you’re going to a come to a point where you are feeling good and in control of all the various parts of your life
And on that note, you’ve got this — I hope this was helpful!